|
   
 
Jishnu's
Interestes:-
     |
From a Grieving Mother to the
Sea
As a child, I
scribbled on the sand that you are a liar,
Is this your revenge, kadalamma? *1
You robbed me of my child and made my whole life a lie,
liar that you are.
What do you know of love?
Was I wrong in calling you kalli? *2
How can you know what I felt as I cuddled my new-born in
my arms?
My heart leapt with every unsure step of his,
Each time he fell, I screamed inside, silently.
The day he came back from school with a nasty bruise,
I shed a tear when he was not looking.
His pain was mine, my heart beat to the rhythm in his
little chest.
My child, my baby.
What do you know of love, kadalamma?
Was I wrong in calling you kalli?
I combed his hair, tucked him in bed,
Read him his favourite story a thousand times
Until his eyes slowly closed, taking him into his little
dream world.
|
|
'Amma is not
hungry', I used to say,
As I handed him my chocolate after he had eaten his.
My greedy boy, my little boy, he would yet feed me the
last little piece.
He used to run from the school bus straight into my
arms,
And I, in utter joy, smothered his face with kisses.
By why do I tell you this, what do you know of love?
Was I wrong in calling you kalli?
You wiped my words off the sand,
And now you've taken him too.
Sucked him in and threw him out. Lifeless.
Is this your revenge for my childhood play?
Now I am broken and battered, no more tears in my eyes.
I look around for strength and hear nothing but wails.
Can't they be strong just this once,
So I can cry, cry and cry.
What do you know of love, kadalamma?
Was I wrong in calling you kalli? |
Sudheesh
Bhasi (Fiance of Meera Vijayan, Jishnu's first cousin)
3rd November 2007
*1
"Kadalamma" in the Malayalam language may be literally
translated as "Mother Sea."
*2 "Kalli", also a Malayalam word, means
"liar", "cheat" or "thief." |
|
For Jishnu's Family
& Friends |
Sometimes I watch them cry and wonder why,
Do they cry for my body or my soul?
If only they knew this line is merely the beginning,
This entire world of laughter and tears are but baby
steps,
Into that which lies beyond.
Sometimes I wish I could have one more day,
Not for me, but for them.
Just to hold their hands and tell them goodbye,
That all is mirth and joy here, why do they cry?
They think I am gone,
But am I mere flesh and bones to disappear like that?
I won't lie, there was fear, there was panic,
I won't lie, there was desperation not to leave them
like that.
But just for a minute and then I felt His loving hands.
He clutched me to His bosom and I felt more loved than
ever before. |
|
What
words, what words shall I use to describe the joy that
filled me then?
None, I realised and shed a tear.
Not for me, but for them.
No words to tell them that I am blessed.
No words to tell them that I am beyond all fear.
What do you know of life when you haven't seen beyond?
There is only one Truth where you live,
The bits of love - a parent's kisses, a beggar's
blessings.
Here, there is but Love and nothing else.
Love that makes your mind reel, ah such joy!
Who comes here and chooses to leave?
Yet I feel pangs of pain,
When I look down and see those endless tears.
If only I could tell them, here bliss abounds,
And wipe away their silly fears,
Then in the midst of this wholeness, I can be whole
again.
|
Sudheesh
Bhasi (Fiance of Meera Vijayan, Jishnu's first cousin)
7th November 2007 |
|
No Goodbye Mon, Ever |
|
We said no
goodbyes, Mon *3
We cannot.
Not one of
us would have let you go
If we had
known
It was
into that far beyond.
We have
not had our fill of you, Mon!
You, who
filled our own worlds with so much joy;
You, whom
we loved more than our own lives.
|
|
You were
the best, Mon
You were
too good
For this
crazy and confused world
Where we
who remain
Are
condemned
To live
out our remaining days.
Numb with
shock and grief
We weep
our oceans of tears
Nor for
you, Mon
But for us
That we
must go on
In a world
without you.
|
O. K.
Komalam (Jishnu's Valiya Moothamma, elder maternal
aunt)
8th November 2007, 2 a.m.
*3
"Mon" is a term of endearment in Malayalam meaning
"son." |
|
Negombo Sunset |
|
It is
sunset in Negombo beach *4
The
rumbling sea rushes in
Wave after
wave
Breakers
foaming and frothing
like playful seahorses.
I sit and
watch the orange sun
dip in the smoky, murky sky
Wave after
relentless wave
Breaks and
crashes into my torn desolate heart.
Is there
no healing for this pain?
Will nothing stop these burning tears?
There,
that golden sunrise in Gokarna
Was it
these same breakers
That
stealthily came from behind
And felled
my precious son?
|
|
Tore him
from my heart in fury
And
watched him gasping his soundless screams
Sucked his
noble spirit
And threw
him on the crest of those crashing breakers.
Too
sudden, too final.
The sea is
calm tonight
Waves
gently lapping on Negombo beach.
Are you
watching us, Mon?
Are you singing with the angels tonight
|
O. K.
Komalam (Jishnu's maternal aunt)
23rd November 2007, 6 p.m.
*4
Negombo beach runs along the Sunset Beach Hotel in
Colombo, Sri Lanka, where we had a nightstop on our way
back to Malaysia from Kerala, India. |
|
Visions |
|
A
tightness in my chest threatens to choke me.
Remembering him creates a panic.
A nameless
fear, charging at me like a torpedo
Pursuing
mercilessly
Until I
force the dreadful thoughts out of my head.
But oh so
brief is the reprieve!
Cursed and
blessed am I for my memory.
Shake me
hard
Tear me
away now from my visions
|
Meera
Vijayan (Jishnu's first cousin)
26th November 2007, 11:40 p.m. |
|
Dry Eyes |
|
I cry not
in front of you.
Not
because I love him less
but
because the tears won't fall.
Are
waterfalls the only way to mourn?
No one
hears my silent screams at night.
None save
the demons now living in my head.
No one
sees the slits carved in my heart from
which ooze
blood every second.
None, none
at all
They only see my dry eyes.
|
Meera
Vijayan (Jishnu's first cousin)
26th November 2007, 11:56 p.m. |
|
The Living Dead |
|
What does it mean to be alive?
Eyes open and lungs sucking air,
hunger pangs and speech.
But for some,
amidst the moments of laughter,
heavy is the heart,
haunted are the dreams,
tormented the days.
Strange is the life of the living
dead.
|
Meera Vijayan (Jishnu's first cousin)
29th November 2007, 11:15 a.m. |
|
Gokarna |
I have a pilgrimage to make
To Gokarna, to Kudle beach.
In the shifting wet sands
I will search for my son's
final footprints
As he walked that fatal morning.
Amidst the thunderous pounding waves
I will hear his joyful shouts
As he last played with his friends.
Let me stand and be bathed
in the salty sea spray
Let me feel the moist wind
that caressed his dark locks |
|
Let the crying gulls
tell their tale of woe.
There, let me rant and rave
and scream till I can breathe again.
Let my salt tears mingle
with that Arabian sea
That was his last cradle.
There let me wash my pain
My grief, my deepest anguish
So I can stumble back to dreary life
once again |
O. K. Komalam (Jishnu's maternal aunt)
30th November 2007, 12:40 a.m. |
|
Just Once More |
You sit by our side at dusk
to share our pain
to hold our hands.
Of him we speak
time and again.
Disbelief, sorrow,
even tears you shed.
But how brief it seems to me
How brief
before you speak of something else. |
|
Do forgive my
wandering thoughts.
Neither fame nor wealth
nor job nor travel
holds me now.
But if you would only speak of him again.
Just once more. |
Meera Vijayan (Jishnu's first cousin)
2nd December 2007, 2:10 a.m. |
|
One Last Time |
If I could see you one last time,
what would I say?
How will I find the words
to tell you I love you?
Will I carefully pick only the best,
or will the words come out
in a panicked torrent,
terrified you'll leave
before I've finished?
Will I stay silent and merely hug you tight,
tears streaming down my face,
or will I cling to you
and wail never to let you go? |
|
What will you say to me?
Will you tell me what it's like where you are,
Will you say you want to stay?
Or will we say nothing at all
as I hurriedly feed you cake
and kiss you goodbye?
Oh to see you one last time,
Just one, last, last time... |
Meera Vijayan (Jishnu's first cousin)
12th December 2007, 11:40 p.m. |
|
Untitled |
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond that glints on snow
I am the sunlight on ripened grain
I am the gentle Autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there, I did not die... |
American Indian verse
Contributed by Meera Vijayan (Jishnu's first
cousin) |
TO MOM AND DAD
FROM HEAVEN
Mom &Dad
don't cry, 'cause God is holding my hand
and telling me everything is OK.
Mom &Dad, God said that I will never want for anything
And I will still feel your love all the way here.
Mom&Dad, you should see me, I am happy with God's other
children.
Mom&Dad, guess who helps watch over us while we play?
They are God's Helping Angels!
Mom &Dad, I'm not afraid, my grandpa is here.
He came to me when it was dark and held my hands;
then we went to God's bright light,
where Angels were singing.
Mom&Dad, God said, If you feel sad, to remember this;
I'll be the gentle breeze that brushes your face,
the sun is my smile and the rain is me washing away your
pain.
Mom &Dad, I have to go now. I send you all my love,
on the wings of an angel
Love from your son to you Mom and Dad
Contributed by Manoj
Pallavur.
|
NO PERSON IS
EVER TRULY ALONE
No person is truly alone
Those who live no more
Whom we loved,
Echo still within our thoughts,
Our words,our hearts,
And what they did
And what they were
Becomes a part of all that we are
FOREVER
Contributed by Manoj
Pallavur
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
